Questions

I thought I’d answer a few questions here, rather than in the comments box.

First off, my job. Or should I say my ‘last’ job. Yeah, I quit. The decision was made relatively easily when I ran out of fingers and toes to count all the things which were pising me off. The other girl left too. She just walked out in the middle of the day and didn’t go back, leaving them high and dry and with a stack of refund receipts sitting on the desk. Almost everything we sold in the first two weeks was returned with dodgy stitching and holes. One lady bought a handbag and brought it back in under an hour when the handle fell off. How the hell they expected us to hit our targets selling shoddy products (with no price tag under three figures) is beyond me. It also seems slightly strange to me that this apparently very successful, international company, paid me late, by cheque, and without a wage slip. They never even asked for a P45 when I started.

All I can say is that I wish them luck because they’ll need it. And a final note…don’t expect them to be coming to a department store near you any time in the foreseeable future!

Ok, onto my hair. Yes, I did go for the chop and now it looks pretty much the way it looks in my profile picture, but shorter (jaw length). I have tried to take a few photos of myself, but because I haven’t worked out how to set the timer on the camera, my only option was to hold it at arms length and hope for the best. I have several photos of the top my sofa and my left shoulder, and one or two of me looking like a right gormless twat. So no…they won’t be going up any time soon! I’ll grab the next person who knocks on my door and get them to do the honours, providing I don’t look like I’ve just crawled out from under a bush (which is most days, to be honest).

And finally, onto Rob and how I’m coping without him. Which is pretty well actually.

I imagine that people in healthy, happy relationships develop some kind of routines together – from joint activities, shared interests, regular shopping days or family visits. Perhaps they even have a breakfast routine or a bedtime routine too? I think it’s the regularity of these things which, when they’re taken away, we miss as much as the person when they’re gone. When we first separated in 2005 it was for 14 months, and during that time we both got involved in new activities and pursuits as a means of coping without each other. It was a particularly hard time for me, but when we got back together again, my independence remained, as did Rob’s. We were only together again for six months before we split again, and that second time was a lot easier for me to cope with. We hadn’t jumped right back into doing lots of stuff together or consulting each other on decisions which affected our lives. We both did what we wanted, when we wanted and even on Rob’s weekends off from work, we rarely saw each other. Our time together was mainly in the evenings, but even then we’d often be doing separate things under the same roof. So, after those six months together, we had another 14 months apart. That time round, we both had the tools to cope with being apart. We were always on the end of the phone if we needed to talk to each other, but mainly we just got on with living our lives. Perhaps it was that phone in the corner of the room which brought us back together again for the third time? Under the guise of ‘just friends’ we started to see each other socially, for meals and drinks. The pain and problems of the past had vanished, and we were like two old mates, getting together for fun. We were getting on so well (and of course the love had always been there) that we decided to try for one last time. He moved back in on April Ist and I left just two months later. I was only gone for perhaps six weeks, and when I returned it was because he kindly offered me a roof over my head. It wasn’t the opportunity to try again. Of course we did discuss it – many times- but I think we both knew that it was a futile exercise. Perhaps we could have just shared the house and the bills and been company for each other? Ultimately though, I think at some point we both want to have new relationships and so we would have had to have gone our separate ways eventually. It made sense to do it now, rather than later.

‘NOT’ being in a relationship with each other is relatively easy. The hardest part is not having him there as a friend. I’ve known Rob since I was 15, and although he was never on my best friend list back then, he has always been so involved with the people I know, the places I used to visit, and a few members of my family. Rob spends more time with my Dad than I do…even now. And that will always continue. Our paths will always cross. Our pasts are so intertwined with each others and that’s what can be particularly hard when we’re trying to be apart. The love remains, the friendship remains, the subconscious reaction to turn to each other in times of need remains.

Our mission, I guess, is to be there for each other if needed, but for one of us to always be strong enough to say ‘no’ to another reconciliation when faced with the opportunity of something more intimate. If I’m having a particularly bad day, and am reminiscing about our good times together…and if I happen to pick up the phone and talk to him about it all, I suppose I need Rob to very carefully and gently guide me into a place where I don’t feel the need to have him back. And vice versa.

I can’t ever imagine not having Rob in my life in some way, shape or form. He’s like family. So yes, I cope without him. But he’s always there…he always will be. The lesson I need to learn after our fourth separation is to remain focused, and to know without a shadow of a doubt that we are doing the right thing. It can be particularly hard when one or the other of us has tears in our eyes or are feeling low, or lost, or fragile. And it’s also hard when we are both disillusioned and feeling scared and dubious and wary about the prospect of having a ‘happy ever after’ with someone else.

But (and I know I rambled on for ages) I really am doing ok.