We had a great night out for Rob’s birthday and the food, thankfully, was wonderful – a juicy steak, pepper sauce and all the trimmings, and without a hair, rat or a shard of glass in sight.
I wrote about Rob many times on my previous blogs so a few of you know that he’s the joker in the pack and always up for a prank. It’s always nice when the shoe’s on the other foot though and Rhonda took the opportunity to arrange for a helium balloon with ‘50’ emblazoned across it to be tied to the back of his chair. (Bless him, he’s only 43.) She then gave him his presents – a packet of jelly, a pound of sausages and two wind-up racing grannies – complete with walking frames. She’d also bought him a birthday cake which looked remarkably like Dougal from The Magic Roundabout, complete with smarties. So we ended the meal with a very bad rendition of Happy Birthday as Rob blew out his candles.
After a few more drinks we found ourselves in the alcohol aisle at Tesco, looking for a bottle of champagne to finish off the night. It was late and reasonably quiet in there, but as our turn came at the checkout there were a couple of people behind us. Just as we were about to get served, Rhonda looked at me in a really strange way. She had her mouth open with this ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ expression on her face. I couldn’t for the life of me work out what was wrong…that was until at the top of her voice she screeched “OH MY GOD. Look at your EYEBROWS!” With that she suddenly took off, leaving me there with the checkout girl and several other people staring at me. Even the fluorescent lights seemed to suddenly turn up a notch. All the while I was thinking “what the fuck’s wrong with them?” and heads were turning – people’s eyes following her up and down the aisles, curious as to what she was going to come back with. When she eventually got back to the checkout it was with a pair of tweezers which she slammed on the conveyor belt and then announced to the world “She looks like the bloody Yeti!”
Yeah, meet my friend Rhonda. Never a dull moment!
A couple of weeks ago there was a front page story in our local paper. A woman who was having a quiet night out with friends in a city centre pub was apparently “shocked and saddened” at the sudden appearance of a kissogram girl who had been booked to perform for a groom out on his stag night. In fact the woman was so offended by the sight of this semi-clad kissogram girl that she contacted the local council and lodged a complaint.
We have a ‘points of view’ page in our local paper (and also on their website) and that particular story received about sixty comments from members of the public who were outraged at this woman’s complaint. My letter, which I wrote on the website, was pulled from there and published in the paper. It was quite a long one (you can read it here) which I ended with a bit of a joke. I told the readers that last year whilst having a quiet intimate meal with my husband, a quad of Morris Dancers appeared and began gyrating around the table next to me. I explained that I was obviously “horrified” by their hankie-waving antics, but that I just closed my eyes, let them get on with it and the council were none the wiser.
Rhonda, unbeknown to me, read my letter and decided to complain about it. She wrote into the paper claiming to be deeply offended by what I’d said – and in full support of Morris Dancing and the fact it is part of our English Heritage. They actually published it! (Here.)
Rhonda Newell – I know you are reading this and war is ON!
(If anybody would like to see some deeply disturbing photographs of Rhonda, just let me know. I have files and folders and hard drives cram packed with the most embarrassing images you could possibly think of! Top of the list is Rhonda, who after consuming several glasses of wine proceeded to……
Ahh….could I really be so mean?
This is your Morris Dancer hating Yeti friend (who right now has a permanent bemused look because one eyebrow is now bigger than the other) signing off and wishing you all a very happy Thursday!
Maybe one day I can come out there and me and my gal can meet you and all the strange people you know….
Hi MissBR/BR/That was hilarious, you have really brightend my really bad day.BR/I wonder if that woman would have been offended at the birthday cake I brought my dad which was a pair of boobs.BR/BR/ITbarmanBR/BR/PS show the photos
I knew someone who really DID end up with a walking frame after breaking a leg. I think she just kept it in the house as a joke in the end… (it was very light and sturdy though)…
I love this blog.BR/BR/I laugh, I cry, I snort, I shake my head in agreement.BR/BR/Love this.
Savage – I would LOVE to meet you. If you’re ever in this neck of the woods, be sure to let me know. You may go home wishing you never set foot in the place though…my friends can be very strange!BR/BR/Barman – Aww, I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. Here…have a (((hug))).BR/I think she’d definitely have been offended with the cake. Honestly…some people just seem to be out to ruin everybody’s fun.BR/BR/Gledwood – Yes, I read about your friend and it was very sad. I’m sorry. xBR/BR/KJ – I swear – my eyebrows were perfectly fine!
Hahahha – that’s the funniest thing ever. I love the way the people at the paper are sitting there going ‘ooh we’ve got a squabble on our hands’ absolutely oblivious to the piss taking
BR/BR/Also, my boyfriend gave me a birthday card with HAPPY 50th on the front last year. He said it was because he liked the penguins.
Bring it on; I’d love to see the photos…BR/BR/Ps I’ve just signed a lease on a house. Going Solo. Hope you’re proud, Miss U.BR/BR/xxBR/BR/r
Jo – You’d have thought that someone who was supposedly NOT offended by a kissogram but deeply offended by a morris dancer may have been taking the piss. (Just slightly, because actually they do really irritate me.) BR/Oh…the joys of media.BR/BR/Buffoon – COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HUG! Please…please….let this be the start of something amazing for you. I am so happy. xxx
By the way Jo…not having a penguin clad card for a twenty something is DISCRIMINATION.
I think it’s 2 -1 for Rhonda!BR/BR/Go on show us the photos of her, get your own back ((wink))
Nothing better than a little friendly war…BR/BR/I think you should both just start a blog that you can post embarrassing photo’s, set each other up for nasty little suprises, tell each others dirty little secrets and so on… Now that would be some entertainment… BR/*giggle*BR/BR/Have a fantastic day!BR/BR/I’m glad you had such a fun evening, even though your eyebrows are now uneven…
Don’t you just love ‘friends’?
BR/I have a ‘friend’ just like Rhonda and we both threaten each other with the dirt we have on each other. Right now we have a truce that we won’t tell any secrets but…you never know. Can’t wait to hear how you get her back for the eyebrow incident – when she least expects it! Good luck! 
Wind-up dancing grannies, yeti eyebrows, phony letter-to-the-editor wars – this post has it all. Deeply funny.
Sounds like you had a right good time (you really should do stand up comedy). Its only £35 here to have a poster on the back of a bus, not that you’d ever do anything like that to your best mate (evil titter)…
Iused to work with a Morris Dancer. Less said about that the better, mind you. Please post a pic of your eyebrows MissU -am most intrigued…
Hope your eyebrows heal soon
ha ha you should have seen them .omg they were like 2 huge catapillars waving at me in the stark neon lights of tescos !!! luv you hun xx
And oh my god ive only gone and set it up divine intervention !! im sure your friends can ask me all the questions .. no photos please but 3 1 i do believe xxx
You’re so bad, I would be afraid to be your best friend. Lord only knows what prank you would pull on unsuspecting me. I am so gullible anyway and I do sometimes have a Yeti chin.
I agree with Kristen, I love this blog and the woman who writes it. BR/xo
Taking everyone’s opinions into consideration and after much deliberation I think my personal preference would be a bunch of young naked dancing ladies waving sticks and hankies. But that’s just me.