I have this canister of clear gel which, once a day, I have to rub into my upper arms or inner thighs. It dispenses a measured dose of oestrogen, the exact amount my body supposedly needs to prevent all sorts of things happening – osteoporosis, hair loss, flushes, night sweats, loss of libido, dementia, what was I saying?
I haven’t used it in over a fortnight. It’s crazy. Even now I’m sitting here writing this and thinking “I must put some gel on today.” Only last night I was wide awake at two in the morning, tossing and turning in bed, feeling like someone had lit a barbecue in my chest cavity and subsequently swamped me in water. “Tomorrow,” I thought as I lay there, sprawled like a starfish on damp sheets. “I’ll start the routine again tomorrow.”
Am I the only one who does this? Not necessarily with oestrogen gel, of course, but with other things? I really must clean the house. Or take that pill. Or give up smoking. Drinking. Eating. Swearing. Buy some fresh veg and get at least one of five portions. Make that call. Get an early night. Paint the bedroom. Sort out the garage. Give up coffee. Write something. Stop flirting with that guy on myspace who’s young enough to be my son.
Yeah, yeah. I’ll do it tomorrow.
Why do we (I) put things off all the time? I mean, how hard is it, really, to stick to a plan and follow a routine which is going to be beneficial for me? Why don’t I just rub the god-damned stuff on and be done with it?
I tell myself all sorts of things. That there are side effects and that it’s baaaad stuff. That a couple of days/weeks without it won’t hurt. That if I do put it on, it’ll make me normal and boring, instead of scatty and weird, and I won’t do crazy stuff and say crazy things any more, and be all refreshingly individual. And that really it’s such a chore – shower, wash hands, put on hair products, wash hands, put on face products, wash hands, rub in gel, wash hands, and then walk around naked for half and hour and don’t sit on anything or touch anything or anyone until that half hour has passed. You want a hug? Tough shit; the stuff ain’t dry yet.
Fuck it. I’ll do it tomorrow.
I have to rub it in till I’m 51, apparently. Eleven more years. That’s when (on average) natural loss of oestrogen occurs in women. Until then, I ‘m a synthetic woman, reliant on a bottle of gloop to con the world and my body into believing I’m normal.
Last night it started raining; drizzle at first which within minutes was lashing down from the sky like a waterfall. I was standing in the doorway, barefoot and in my jammies, watching it splashing and settling on the patio. And for some reason I had this sudden urge to get out there and feel it.
So I did.
It was cool rain, on a warm night. I stood there looking up at the sky; the raindrops splattering on my face like…like…like rain does when it splatters on your face. My jammies were sticking to me; the rain adhering my skin to the “Grumpy but Gorgeous” words on my ass. My toes played in the puddles, my eyelashes blinked back tears and Rob looked at me with a smile on his face.
“Me and Dan played in the rain, once,” I told him.
“I know,” he said, watching me.
He knows everything, Rob does.
After about five minutes I turned around to come indoors, but I was dripping. So I took my jammies off on the patio. It was daylight and I was in full view of the neighbourhood.
“Laine!” he said, laughing.
After giving them all a bird’s eye view of my ass, I tossed the wet jammies in the washing machine and dashed through the house – wet, naked and wobbly. Half way up the stairs, Rob said: “You’re amazing, you know? And your body…it’s beautiful.”
I looked down at my self – at all my wobbly bits, the weight gain since the hysterectomy, the skin which will never be as taut as it once was. I think I may have blushed before I headed on up the stairs to dry off. But I was left with this feeling that things will never be the same as they once were. A child playing in the rain is a beautiful sight, a menopausal woman standing in it in her nightclothes is a bit worrying.
Back in the bedroom I looked at my oestrogen gel.
“Tomorrow,” I thought. “Definitely tomorrow.”
I was out in the rain last night. Except me and my friend had gone to pizza express, and chose to sit in the garden. Then it rained. Part of me wanted to stay outside in it, but social rules say that if it rains, you must scream and complain and run away into the dry.BR/BR/I prefer it in the rain though. We still went inside so no one thought we were weird (and so the pizza didn’t get wet)
and ps. I have been putting off making a dentist appointment for the last week. I eventually rang yesterday and they were closed. So now I’ll probably wait another week before I psyche myself up to do it again. I worry incase they actually GIVE me an appointment.
Oh my gosh, in the evening when I am trying to go to sleep, there goes my overactive mind, running thru the days events, the good, the bad, the ugly, the worries.BR/In the stillness and quiet when I can only hear my breathing and my heart beating,I say over and over, BR/God forgive me and I got to quit smoking, and I got to be a better person, and I got to study more BR/(I’m in school), and tomorrow? will this be the last day of my life? or will I wake tomorrow? Or do you think I’ll keep my job, Do you think they (employer) are pleased with me?, will the alarm go off and wake me up on time………………..and on and on and on it goes till I fall into an exhausted sleep!
I think you’re beautiful, too, and I’ve never even seen you.BR/BR/Great post. After writing what I did, about the rain and all, it was even more lovely, to me. Thank you!BR/BR/By the way, I sympathize concerning the gel. MY WIFE doesn’t take anything like that, but she’s 52 and still has the flashes, etc., not as often as she once did, but still. God bless you.
Oh, yes! Thank you for the link-love! I have reciprocated.BR/BR/(That sounds somewhat obscene. What I mean is, thanks for giving me a link on your sidebar. I have done the same.)
I don’t think standing in the rain at your (our) age is wacky or strange… I wish I had enough whateveritis left inside me to still have a moment or two of fun and abandon. I’m too worried about whatever is going wrong, anymore.BR/BR/I’ll be 38 this year and the night sweats started about 2 years ago. Along with the trips to ga-ga ville, forgetfulness, boobs dropping, ass dropping, skin sagging, and irregular visits from the bitch… You know, all the fun stuff.BR/BR/Have a good day!
Oh we all put off things, it’s natural. I so love it that you did exactly what you felt like doing and went out in the rain, even more so that you stripped off, I was smiling along with Rob.BR/BR/I’ve been playing ten pin bowling with my grandchildren on their Wii today – we had such fun. Guess what – I won! Weren’t they surprised!BR/BR/PS you’re not going mad the post you say today was meant for tomorrow (Friday55) so I took it back down, sorry.
PS Oh yes, don’t want to worry you but at 58 I’m still have the dreaded sweats – day and night!
Kill two birds with one stone . . . get the young guy from MySpace to rub on the gel.BR/BR/XO
lol @ ake….i had commented on that 55 already!
BR/BR/i’m QUEEN procrastinator. i say tomorrow i’ll start a diet, tomorrow i’ll clean the house, or sort my office, or whatever it is. but i keep putting it off.BR/BR/stinky once said to me, you’re funny. i ask why and he says because you always put things off. i always like to get things done right away (the whole ‘why put off tomorrow things you can get done today’ thing). i said, well, my thing is, why do it today, when you can always do it tomorrow? LOLBR/BR/BR/with all the horror stories, i’m just looking forward to menopause. after the surgery i had to stop or lessen my flow, i did have short small flows. now they’re almost non-existent. i figure by the end of this year, probably nothing. then the fun should begin right? :-/
This comment better publish or else!!!!! Bloody nightmare leaving a comment for you , I’ve had…… Gimme some of that gel, I’ve been told its something I have to put up with. Brought magnets off the net, old women mix me potions, you name it I’ve had it……. Guess what, after the third day, you’ve guessed!!!!!!BR/Bravo gal, you get your bootie out come rain or shine, I think that visit to the beach has something to do with all this…..
dancing in the rain is good for the soul, or so I’ve heard…BR/BR/Keep dancing Laney, and shake that ass!
Oh thank God! I thought it was just me.BR/BR/I once stood on the dock in Vanuato, or somewhere, and danced in a downpour – the rest of the ship’s crew put it down to english eccentricity:)BR/BR/Hang on I have to rub some stuff on my elbow, I’m supposed to do it 3 times a day – I think I remember about once a week.BR/BR/I’m fine (I think) thanks for asking.
Laney, have you tried hormone replacement therapy? You could ask your doctor about it. I had it for years and have stopped it now and I do not have any signs of menopause, so I think I’ve got all that behind me now. I certainly saves you a lot of bother and wear and tear. One pill in the morning and that’s it, once you are on the proper dose. BR/BR/You described dancing in the rain very well. I smiled as I read it and in my mind watched you run up the stairs in all your naked glory. BR/BR/So, how about you and Rob? He knows you very well, doesn’t he? Marriage therapy? Couples counseling? What are you two going to do? Apparently there is love there or am I reading that wrong?
Dancing in the rain keeps you sane – did you know that? Or is it insane – I forget. From one menopausal woman to another – tomorrow is another day, innit?!
You made me laugh today. I needed it.BR/BR/The starfish…..the myspace…..the wet jammies that look like wet jammies….BR/BR/You’re awesome
Lane I am glad you are back but what an awful time you have had.BR/BR/BR/I did just write a long comment but it seems to have disappeared.BR/BR/hugs LiR