I’m sitting here listening to the tick of the clock and the whir of the washing machine.
Normally, round about this time, there would be music coming from upstairs – generally bands I hadn’t heard of. If I liked a song I’d sometimes ask Dan who the band was and click straight onto Limewire to track them down. The only time he didn’t play his music was when he played guitar. I’d hear the Marshall kick into action and Dan would undoubtedly turn the volume to 11, at least. For the next hour or so I’d listen as he strummed and plucked and bent the strings; my heart full of wonder and pride. He played Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd) – one of my all time favourites – many times, at my request, so beautifully. It made me cry more than once.
God, I miss it.
I miss him.
As mothers, we spend our lives preparing our children for the day they leave home; investing hours, months and years into their development. I used to envisage the day he would stand on the doorstep – all packed up and ready for his journey into this big, wide world – his wings twitching, ready to fly. I imagined that I’d pack him up with food; that we’d already have been shopping together to get him the essentials for his new place and that I’d give him this huge speech with tears in my eyes as he was walking down the steps with a big smile on his face, so excited to be starting out on his own. The fact that it didn’t happen like that is killing me.
I don’t know how many of the emotions I am feeling right now are normal for any mother who waves goodbye to their child, and how many are due to the fact he didn’t leave by choice. I feel so awful about it all.
For the past week or so I’ve wanted to call him, text him, see him and check on him every single day. Is that normal? Or purely because of my guilt? Whether it’s normal or not, the guilt is still there, twisting in my stomach. I feel as if I’ve just gone and dumped him someplace, and I’m finding it really hard to handle. I just want him to come home.
It’s not just Dan I’m missing, either. I really miss Tallis.
Having grown up with just a brother, and having only a son, I never really got to do the girlie stuff with anyone, and Tallis entered my life like a breath of fresh air. She actually deserves an entire post of her own because I’d love to share with you the essence of her, if I could somehow get it into words. From the way she twists her lips when she’s thoughtful or sad or angry or confused, to the way she waves her hands and arms around and flaps around like a little bird when she’s happy. Then there’s her little pouty face and a squeak when she doesn’t want to talk, or the animated Tallis – the one I would love to make into a cartoon – when she’s so excited and she jumps up and down and talks reallyreallyfast. I miss all of that. I miss waking up and not knowing what colour her hair will be, or whether it will be long or short, straight or curly. I miss her in the mornings when she’s sleepy and confused. I miss her at night when her eyes are as big and beautiful as the most big and beautiful eyes you have ever seen.
One day I heard the most angelic voice upstairs. It was Tallis, singing a song which I instantly fell in love with. I’ve asked her many times to play and sing it for me – at parties we’ve had or on quiet, family nights. She’s such a shy girl sometimes and can take some convincing, but once she starts she makes my heart skip a beat. I miss hearing her gorgeous voice, and that song, which stops me in my tracks.
Sitting here today with just the tick of the clock and the whir of the washing machine, I needed to hear some songs; to feel close to them.
The first – for Dan– is Comfortably Numb. It will forever be ‘our’ song.
The second – for Tallis – is the song she used to sing. Hallelujah. There were many versions to pick from, but it’s an absolutely breathtaking rendition from K. D. Lang.
Dan and Tallis – I miss you so much and I love you. x
This was beautiful.
Comfortably Numb is such a great track and was awesome to see live. I listened to the LD Lang trakc and that was great. Thanks
Such a poignant post Laney. BR/BR/You are completely normal honey. No matter how or for what reasons your child leaves home it wrenches at your heart and the sick feeling takes a long, long time to go away. You feel you can no longer protect them, you don#39;t know what they#39;re doing or where they are, unless they deem to tell you. BR/BR/Don#39;t let the circumstances of Dan amp; Tallis leaving prevent you from contacting them – you love them still, that#39;s good enough reason. BR/BR/The pain will eventually ease honestly. xxBR/BR/Loved the videos btw, KD Lang is one of my favourite artists, her voice always brings a lump to my throat.
It is perfectly normal for you to miss them, to ache for them and feel a little lost without them. It is so hard to let go of our babies, especially when we are worried about them. BR/This was a beautiful post. I hope you see them soon.BR/Love and hugs.BR/Maureen
*heart’s achin’*BR/BR/I’m hoping you see them soon.
From the kid’s point of view…it’s always a bit scary when you first leave home, but I knew that I could always call my mum and have a chat whenever. I think my mum felt a bit lost when I left for uni, she worried a lot and gave me silly advice sometimes… but you always know mum’s are always there. They don’t really even need to be in the same city they’re there so much! You’ll be in his and Tallis’ head in this way…
laney-this post made my eyes well up a bit. of course it#39;s normal to miss them, to still want to talk them and such. it was definitely hard for me when my son didn#39;t live with me…i#39;ve mentioned it before. then when he left for the 2nd and final time, i kept waiting for him to come home from work, our late night talks, etc. but of course that never happened. it#39;s funny, now i don#39;t hear from him unless i do most of the calling. lol he knows i#39;m here for him, just as dan amp; tallis know that you are there for them. and hey, what#39;s wrong with calling them every once in awhile? guilt or no guilt?BR/BR/i#39;ll prob be more of a blubbering idiot when my girls are grown and gone. maybe that#39;s what makes it easier for me w my son, just because i still have kids at home.
That was a beautifully written piece and brought tears to my eyes. I don’t know your whole story because this is the first time I’ve stumbled across your blog – but from one mother to another I wish you well.
Beautiful, Miss U. I am sure Dan and Tallis miss you for all the same reasons. It is good to love and be loved.BR/BR/Now, if only Robbie Williams sang a version of “Comfortably Numb” . . .
Good Evening Laney,BR/BR/Hope you see them soon.BR/BR/Keep a cool head untill then and thanks for the cool tunes.
p.s. since i read the bottom of the page, can i have BOTH chocolates amp; alcohol? LOL
Hey girl … hang in there. Every minute may seem like an hour that they are away but it will be so sweet when you can all get together again.BR/BR/Hallelujah is an incredible song, written by Leonard Cohen (a Canadian) and kd Lang used her extraordinary voice to give a fantastic rendition. kd Lang is also Canadian. I have this song by various performers but the best, by far is the one by the late Jeff Buckley.BR/BR/Comfortably Numb is an all time classic.BR/BR/Thanks for sharing again Laney.
Thanks, KJ.BR/BR/Barman – I’d give anything to see them live, but I think a video is as close as I’ll ever get.BR/BR/Ak – It’s the sick feeling which is hardest to handle. I hope it goes away soon.BR/KD Lang is amazing, isn’t she?BR/BR/Maureen – Thanks honey. I hope I see them soon too. xxBR/BR/Heather – Mine too. xBR/BR/Jo – thanks for that. It helps a lot seeing it from their perspective
BR/BR/Ciara – the house just seems so empty without them. The silence is unbearable sometimes. I hope you keep your girls for a long time to come!BR/BR/gonebacksouth – Thank you for visiting and for your kind words. I knew it would be something a lot of Mums can relate to and it’s good to feel I’m not alone in this.BR/BR/Witnessing am i – Somehow, I can’t imagine Robbie doing it justice! Having said that, when he sang Sinatra’s My Way, I had a lump in my throat, so who knows?BR/BR/Hi Karl – Cool as a cucumber, I am!BR/BR/Ciara – Greedy Guts!BR/BR/George – I’m hangin’!BR/BR/Isn’t it funny how different people like different voices? I’ve heard Jeff Buckley’s version, and of course Cohens. But I had to choose a woman for this – it’s hard to close my eyes and think of Tallis listening to a male voice 
Actually, this is still my favourite of the three of them. x
Not having kids myself, I can’t offer advice but I know a lot of my friends with kids have felt just like you – you’re bound to feel like this. I remember sitting with a friend last year when her twins had just left home (double whammy!) and she felt just like you. It will get better, but i can empathise with how you feel. Take care, hang on in there.
Laney, it is hard, but life is hard and Dan and Tallis do know how to get in touch with you and how to telephone you and how to come by your house. It is okay also for you to pick up the phone and say, I love you very much and I miss you both. But that is all you can do. That’s where it begins and ends. You do have to let go now and you can only hold them a little tighter if they come back on their own and then only until they leave a again. Such is life. You must concentrate on your own life now and fulfill that one as much as possible now. That’s what Dan and Tallis would want you to do too.
Thanks, FP. I can’t imagine how your friend must have felt when they both left tgether like that. How awful. Life is sad and hard sometimes, isn’t it?BR/BR/Irene – Thank you so much for this. You talk such sense, you really do. And I know you’re right. x
What a nice bittersweet post Laney. You’ll see them often, I’m sure, they just need to get themselves settled first. BR/BR/Never heard comfortly numb before, listening now as I type this. Thanks to my ex girlfriend, I have both Jeff Buckley and kd Lang’s versions of Hallelujah. I like them both…