This morning, my underwear drawer broke. I opened it up, the base fell out, and twenty years of shit fell onto the carpet. Laws of physics suggest that it should have happened about a decade ago…how the hell did one tiny drawer manage to hold all of that for so long?
Can you remember when the mention of Ann Summers meant not going to the High Street shop, but that your boyfriend had to go out for the night because the girls were coming over? All those evenings spent passing round clammy vibrators and ridiculous willy warmers, and the party hostess attempting to get you pissed so you’d model the latest (supposedly sexy) bedroom fashions for her?
Yep. That was me!
Uugh. I can’t believe I ever bought any of that stuff. (The underwear, that is, hehehe) Anyway, ploughing through the heap on my floor earlier, I actually found the most hideous red and black leopard print babydoll thing, in 100% nylon.
I have no idea how I ever managed to keep a boyfriend.
Guess what else I found? Period pants. You know those comfy, stretchy cotton ones? Belly huggers? The ones which could never ever be the colour they used to be ever again?
And then I found my “I am not going to have a one night stand tonight” knickers.
If I was going for a night out with the girls, perhaps a pub and a club, and I definitely didn’t want to end up in a one night stand situation, I would deliberately wear mismatched underwear. Any old bra, and a pair of knickers which I wouldn’t want to be seen dead in. (I had to do that cos I learned the hard way how persuasive a guy could be after I’d consumed 10 bottles of beer and 3 tequila slammers.)
What else was in there? Well…I found a pink garter with a holster attached, holding a tiny little gun. It still works, too! Where the f*** did I get that from? I also found a pair of stockings with seams up the back. I have NEVER worn seamed stockings in my life!
Hmm. Perhaps they’re not mine????
Then I found a pair of C-cup chicken fillets and some stick on boobs which were stuck to a rather hideous thong, with the words “come and get it” scrawled across the front. And the elastic had gone.
But worse than any of that…..I found five of those absolutely disgusting black net body stockings (the ones which were really big in the early 90’s and you can probably still buy on Bonnie Tyler’s website.)
Needless to say, my dustbin is now rather full.
How weird. All that money spent, and I’m sitting here bra and knickerless.
Lol
Sidenote: I typed all of this in Word, and when I wrote “knickerless,” spellcheck underlined it. So I clicked on it (like you do), and guess what word came up as a substitute? Knackeries. WTF are knackeries?
2 secs….
Oh! A meat processing plant. The knackers yard.
So…that’s where “knackered” comes from (as in, as tired as an old horse.)
But what about knackers? (That’s testicles, for the ones across the pond.)
Any ideas?
Um.
Discussing testicles and meat processing plants in the same breath is a horrible idea.
I’m still not sure how one migrates from your knickers to old horses.
Just do what I do when you run out of underwear. Don’t wear any. lol.
It beats the hell out of putting on the period pants.
roflmao. i had to go through my drawer a couple of years ago when we moved. i couldnt believe what i found in there!
i think you seen my knickers over at my place earlier this week. i also like to go knickerless like shelly suggests. makes me feel free and wild.
I know a few women who go pantyless regularly … and they all tease. I for one, love it.
Knackeries are places where knackers hand out!!
I’ll reword that.
Knackeries are places where knackers HANG out!!
Sorry for the confusion.
Also, so I’m led to believe, the somewhat little known sport of Freeballing can be found from inside I Knackery.
Ted – Who in their right mind would be thinking about bareback riding when confronted with my knickers?
Shelly – I am a very long way off running out! And my period pants have been disposed of, I’m pleased to say. But I agree…omitting to put them on in the mornings definitely has it’s plus points…hehehe
Kitty – I’m sure you don’t need to be knickerless to feel free and wild! And …um…yes…I did see your knickers. In fact I saw lots of knickers. That rose was spectacular by the way.
George – I’m sure you do!
It’s just struck me that an innocent post about my knicker drawer has suddenly got everyone suggesting I shouldn’t ever wear any!
Mike – well someone has to hand out the knackers!
Freeballing. Hmm. Sounds like my kind of game. What are the rules?
And if someone has “the knack”, has that got anything to do with having the balls?
And…have ghouls got anything to do with goolies?
Interesting. You use the word knackers for balls and on this side of the pond we use the word knockers for boobs. Hm. Our language differences aren’t too far off, it would seem.
I’m scared to look in some of my drawers… It will probably take the bottom falling out for me to do it, too. Wonder what you’ll find in your knickers’ drawer in another 20 years?
Whaaaaaaa?! No pics of said underwear???
There was a boy in my year in high school whose nickname was Knackers (it was more to do with his surname that what he had ‘down stairs’) Ummmm ok now I’m questioning that. Ewwwwww!!
I’m rolling over here in KY about the hideous one night stand panties……..
I have those!!!
Janet – We say knockers too. Words are strange, aren’t they, or at least their origins.
I am now adopting the rule of throwing one item of underwear away every time I get something new. I just couldn’t stand the embarrassment of somebody finding all that stuff one day, when I may not be around to explain myself!
Suck Me – I am not here to humiliate myself!
Kristen – THROW THEM IN THE BIN!!!
HAHA!! I’ll have to get my zoom lens out some time and catch you during a wind blown moment
It amazes me how you can turn one tiny incident into a hilarious blog post.
You are too funny.
So.
Let’s take your knickers, my knackers, and your knockers to some quite little nook and have a bit of nookie.
No?
well kiddo when I quit laughing I will try to have a answer for you. that was awsome kiddo. Sounds like a drawer Kitty has also. I agree why do you ladies keep all that crap.(ooopppppsss sorry lovely stuff) Still laughing and will see you later kiddo…hugs
I had a good clear out of my undies drawer last year. I found stuff in there I wouldn’t be seen dead in, most of it as you said 100% nylon.
If you rubbed up on the bedsheets wearing it you would glow for hours.
Want to hear something weird?
While reading this, I too was bra and knickerless!!
It’s KISMET!!
Steve~
You gotta love cleaning out drawers (even if you were forced to!). Thanks for the laughs!
next time u clean up yr drawers u call upon me … pronto !!!!
My underwear drawer is compressed under about 150 lbs. of pressure, so that when I open it several selections of bras and panties pop into the air for me to catch . . .
The good lingerie is in a different drawer and, yes, that one’s full to overflowing too.
P.S.–A garter with a pistol? Talk about mixed metaphors . . .
That’s strange actually, because when I think of you you’re often in a black body stocking. Why do you think that is?
Suck Me – Naughty boy!
Speakin’ – Hello stranger! It’s lovely to see you back…I thought you’d forgotten all about us. Hope things are well in your world. C’mon…give us an update!!! x
Ted – What a wonderful idea! Where shall we go?
KT – I really don’t think we keep it intentionally…it’s just that the new stuff gets piled on the top! Perhaps you should get Kitty to give you a little fashion show to work out what works best?
Suze – Awful stuff, lol. Somehow though, I reckon you’d look good in anything!
Steve – What I’d give to see you in bra and knickers. How long do I have to wait?
GE – Hi sweetie – hope you’re feeling better. x
kindabiz- Ooh…I could do with a helping hand….
Cherrie – I’d love to have a snoop around in your undies drawer. We could play ‘dressing up’ and then of course, undressing again!
wdky – Hello sexy! I am SO glad to see you back. I never once gave up on you…I click every single day!
Please….please…don’t think of me in one of those. Couldn’t we come up with something else? Hows about black leather? Red lace? White silk? Or…um…nekkid? xx
Hahahaha! Oh, the secrets of the underwear drawer. I’ve learned never to wear my rubbish underwear on date as something WILL happen. And Ann Summers parties are great – someone has to test the nipple gel, don’t they?
It also works the other way round, too. The number of times I’ve dressed to impress, and gone home alone! LoL.