Before I start, I need to explain something about myself. I hate secrets. HATE them. And surprises….and Christmas presents under the tree which I can’t open….and something that’s happening which I know nothing about….and being kept in the dark….and all those sorts of things. It drives me absolutely NUTS!!!
Yesterday, 11.00am
Rob is in the garage searching for something. (I have no idea why because he’ll never find it, but that’s beside the point.) His mobile phone rings out in the kitchen, and seeing the name of his boss flash up on the screen, I answer it. (Actually, he’s not just his boss, he’s one of Rob’s good friends…)
Me: Hi P. Rob’s in the garage…I’ll get him to call you back in 5 minutes.
P: Ok darling.
Five minutes later, Rob calls him back. He has his mobile on loudspeaker, because there’s something wrong with the earpiece on the phone.
Rob: Yes boss….
P: Hi mate. Where are you?
Rob: In the kitchen.
P: Are you on loudspeaker?
Rob: Yeah…it’s the damn phone.
P: Oh. Erm….ok.
Big long pause……
P: Uh, ok…erm…
Rob: Uhh…Actually, I have to go out anyway, so I’ll see you in about 10 minutes.
P: Ok, great! I’ll see you then. Bye!
Rob: Cheers mate!
Another pause….
Me: What was all that about?
Rob: Oh, he called me earlier and wants me to give him a rundown on what’s wrong with the car.
Me: He never said that. He asked if you were on loudspeaker.
Rob: I know.
Me: Why did he do that?
Rob: I dunno!
Me: Whatever he wanted to say, he didn’t want to say it with me listening, did he?
Rob starts laughing
Me: What are you up to?
Rob: Nothing!
Me: What are you hiding?
Rob: *starting to go red in the face* Nothing at all. *starts smiling, looking coy, looking away*
Me: ROB! Tell me.
Rob: Look, I dunno. But whatever it is, I’ll tell you when I get back.
Me: You’re lying. You’re up to something!
Rob: Look…perhaps it’s about a Christmas present or something?
Pause
Me: Why the hell would P get me a present? And anyway, you look as guilty as hell.
Rob: Don’t you trust me?
Me: Depends what on. To tell me the truth all the time? No!
Rob: I’ve never lied to you.
Me: Liar!
Rob *laughing* When have I?
Me: Loads of times! What about that day you told me you were starving cos you’d had nothing to eat all day, and then later I found out you had a fucking great cheeseburger….
Pause…
Rob: Well I just forgot, that’s all.
Me: No you didn’t. You wanted to make out you were hungrier than I was!
At this point I’m sitting on his lap, pinning him down.
Me: Promise me you don’t know what that was about.
Rob: I can’t.
Me: So you DO know!
Rob: I don’t! I just never make promises – you should know that by now. Anyway, I have to go…
Me: Right. If you won’t promise me, then look me in the eyes and just answer yes or no. Is it to do with Christmas?
Rob: *corners of mouth turning up* Yes. *looking away to side after he says it.
Me: No it’s not.
Then his phone rings again. It says ‘private number’. He answers the phone, again on loudspeaker, and says hello. We hear 2 seconds of a woman’s voice before he cuts her off. I glare at him.
Me: Who was that?
Rob: I dunno! She didn’t make much sense though, did she?
Me: Nor would you if you only had 2 seconds.
By now, I’m thinking all sorts…
Me: It’s to do with a woman, isn’t it?
Rob: No! *looking up to the ceiling, making deliberate “I’ve been rumbled” faces*
Me: (let’s really fuck the bastard up…) Once. *corners of mouth turning up, looking to my side*
He pulls a face and I stick my tongue out. I ask him two more questions, to which he replies ‘no’. And again, I ask if it’s to do with Christmas…
Rob: No! I mean yes! Shit.
So he goes out, and comes back 2 hours later, talking constantly and not letting me get a word in.
Me: What did P want?
Rob *still trying not to smile* Oh, he wanted to know if I could play golf on Wednesday. That’s all it was.
Me: I don’t believe you! You told me you’d tell me what it was! And anyway, he could have said that on loudspeaker.
Rob: That’s it! That’s all it was! Now come on, you need to get to the dentist.
So…we’re driving in the car, and he gets a text message which he doesn’t look at. But he looks at me, and smiles.
Me: Who’s that?
Rob: I haven’t looked, have I!
Me: Well look!
He makes no attempt to move, so I reach for the phone. He grabs it first and reads the message. I lean over to see, and he tilts the screen so I can’t, and then puts it back. Eventually he tells me it was a friend with a joke, and pulls up some random message to show me, still smiling. We get to the dentist and I ask him if he’s coming in, so he can drop me home afterwards. But he says he has something to do.
Me: What?
Rob: Just something.
Me: What?
Rob: I can’t tell you.
Me: Why not?
Rob: Cos I can’t.
Me: Why can’t you do it another time?
Rob: Because I can’t.
Me: And you can’t put it off so you can make sure I’m ok in the dentist?
Rob: Nope!
Me: What if I’m not alright? What then?
Rob: You’ll have to phone me.
Me: And how long will it take for you to get here?
Rob: Ten minutes, maybe fifteen, depending on the traffic.
Me: Oh…so you’re not going to see P then? (2 minutes away)
Rob: *laughing* Look, stop it!!!!! You’ll be fine. You’re having a bloody tooth out! It’s not major surgery!
Twenty minutes later. I’m in the dentist’s chair, having had one injection. She has to give me another one though – a different one – , to get through the swelling. She pushes the needle in and instantly, I start having an adverse reaction to it. My heart’s racing, I’m going numb in my hands and feet, they’ve tilted me upside down to try and get the blood back in my head, they’re shoving glucose tablets in my mouth, calling for a nurse….and then….hahahahhahaha…
Dentist: “I’m calling your husband.”
I’m upside down on the couch with two dentists talking my pulse, a nurse holding my legs, a wad of wet paper on my face, a big fizzy sweet in my mouth, completely numb lips, I’m being covered in a silver blanket, there’s stars swimming in my head, and all I can do is laugh my face off, knowing full well he’s sooooooo gonna think I did it on purpose!!
Dentist: Well, you haven’t lost your sense of humour!
When she tried to take my tooth out, it was like a scene out of a sitcom! It crumbled into loads of pieces and she was digging around in there for ages, cursing and swearing and doing her best to not laugh at me. I was laying there like I’d been plugged into a pneumatic drill, trying not to choke on this god-awful stuff oozing into my mouth, but in a complete fit of giggles!
So that, guys, was what I was thinking about while I was lying there with my mouth open!
And I still have NO idea what the hell he’s up to…
I hope its a truly fantastic suprise for you for Christmas!
One of the (generally) unspoken man rules is to deny everything…even when the thing you’re denying is right there , in front of everybody.
“What girl?”
“THAT GIRL RIGHT THERE, IN YOUR BED!”
“What bed?”
“THIS ONE! THE ONE YOU’RE HAVING SEX IN!”
“I’m just napping, dear.”
“THEN WHO’S THAT GIRL WITH HER LEGS AROUND YOUR WAIST?”
“What girl?”
Ooops, maybe this wasn’t the thing to tell you after all, was it?
I’m with Robyn. I bet he has something nice up his sleeve!
I have to say this…and this will probably be the only time I say this…..Poor Rob. LOL
How are you feeling today?? Better I hope. I can’t wait to hear what he is up to. You will have to keep us posted.
Have a great day Miss U.
Robyn – Well, if it is, I’m a VERY lucky girl because I know he’s already bought me a new lapop. Time will tell!
Ted – Rob quite often triple bluffs me. He’s mastered the art of being the vaguest, sneakiest, most frustratingly infuriating teller of facts that I know. He said it wasn’t another woman after he hung up the phone to her while looking extremely guilty, to make me think that it is. Which means it isn’t. Which probably makes no sense at all!
Suze – At the moment I’m thinking passports and holidays. Yet he knows I haven’t renewed mine, which just made him smile with glee!
Erika – Noooooooo! You can’t swap sides! It’s not allowed! I’m gonna have to send him to live with you for a week I think. Yep! That’s what I’ll do! You can put him on Hot Bod Wednesday and I can right click him, print him off, and throw darts at him
Leigh – Aww, thanks sweetie. I’m actually feeling bloody awful and am seeping pus into my mouth continually from this bloody lump in my cheek which is trying to drain. Betcha didn’t wanna hear that though, did you! I will keep you posted though. You take care, ok? xx
“No! I mean yes! Shit.”
Rob answers questions like a cartoon character with a potty mouth.
Steve~
Steve – He is a cartoon character with a potty mouth
Tsk! Surprises are fun really…
Infact, I dislike them as well. I think I get it from you.
Any chance you could look at my blog and change the link on yours?
Oh I hate it when men do that! I hate secrets also!
I can’t stand it.
Go ask him to email me and tell what it is……I can’t wait
I hope there will be a Part 2! Is is something naughty, or something nice? You’re probably hoping for the former . . .
P.S.–Get well soon!
It had better be something quite lovely and wonderful for you… If it’s a tin of beans or a packet of crisps you’ve every right to kick him in the naughty bits….
Darfuria – Aww, I’m sorry. That’s something I’d rather not have passed on to you.
I’ll change the link right now
Kitty – I like the way you said that. The way MEN do that! Women would never be as cruel!
Kristen – You do realise that if he does that, I’ll be bugging you till you cave in? There is an update actually. Yesterday, he was reading through the comments and told me that Ted was the closest. Then he changed his mind and said Suze was, but only if I changed the ‘nice’ word. How mean is that? LoL
Cherrie – There will definitely be a part 2…whatever it is. To be honest, I don’t care what it is, as long as it’s not something horrible!
Savage – His naughty bits are looking more tempting by the second.
Oh. I said that all wrong, didn’t I?